This was written on... Monday, so a little while ago.
Which came first? The blonde joke or the Essex girl joke? Unlike with chickens and eggs, I can't argue bacteria, because neither are counted as an intelligent species.
I ponder.
As I'm sure I've ranted before, I live in Romford. Adandoned by Essex County in 1964 and grudgingly adopted by City of London, Romford is the armpit of the south east. No one wants it, but no amount of laser surgery can get rid of the nasty growths that keep springing up here. I don't like this town. I don't like a lot of the people and I don't like their nasty spoilt children that they had when they were in their mid-teens. Essex girl jokes could be localised to Romford girl jokes, because they would be even more accurate.
But which came first? Most Essex girl jokes, I think, can apply to blondes, except perhaps the top-lip jokes.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Lionel Ritchie?
- Lionel Ritchie doesn't bleach his moustache.
Very true: I know people who bleach their top lips. But taking a quick squint at the Essex and blonde jokes I have, blonde jokes seem to be more about being stupid and an easy shag, but Essex girl jokes are more about NOT shagging:
What's the difference between an Essex Girl's fanny and a tube of glue?
- You might consider sniffing a tube of glue.
And for any Americans, fanny has a different meaning in this country.
But there are still the common local bike jokes from both:
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and The Titanic?
- Fewer people went down on the Titanic.
What do blondes do in the morning?
- Get up and go home.
Every year around mating season there is a rush for peroxide and in the following weeks the perry population at school increases 10-fold, meaning that the jokes can be doubled up. Having a perry blonde Essex girl increases the potential for amusement by us unpopular brunettes for each new one that walks into assembly in the morning.
Also, Essex girl jokes concentrate more on getting STD's, which isn't surprising because Romford has more clap than Friday Night at the London Palladium. For example:
What's the similarity between an Essex Girl and a carpenter?
- They both have a box of saws.
What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a fish and chip shop?
- You can't get crabs in a fish and chip shop.
What do you give an Essex Girl before you start going out with her?
- A full medical.
... While there are blonde jokes to do with Porsches that just wouldn't work as Essex girl jokes.
Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
- She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
I don't think that's even right. Ah well.
The problem with Essex girl stupidity jokes is that last year something like 3 of the top 10 senior schools in the country were all girls schools in Essex, and jokes to the effect are not as good. But it seems to be easier to be blonde and stupid - you can't (and just WOULDN'T) become an Essex girl, but many people become blondes, which seems to boost the quota of thicko blondes. You're doing it to yourselves! For this reason, blonde stupidity jokes are more potent, often coupled with a sexual reference, and therefore perfectly formed blonde jokes.
Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
- Because it kept falling out.
Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
- She missed the Earth!
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
- She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
It's pretty obvious that Essex girl jokes are English and blonde jokes American, and are thankfully pretty versatile. They both work over here because we have both, with a horrible hybrid spreading. In America, though, they have so far escaped the reach of the East Saxon county, even though in Europe I think it must be second only to Amsterdam, if you know what I mean.
