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I'm currently working on a new survey, it should be ready some point soon. But I won't tell you what it's about - that's a secret!

But it is as pointless as the last.

Byee!

 
This was written on... Monday, so a little while ago.

Which came first? The blonde joke or the Essex girl joke? Unlike with chickens and eggs, I can't argue bacteria, because neither are counted as an intelligent species.

I ponder.

As I'm sure I've ranted before, I live in Romford. Adandoned by Essex County in 1964 and grudgingly adopted by City of London, Romford is the armpit of the south east. No one wants it, but no amount of laser surgery can get rid of the nasty growths that keep springing up here. I don't like this town. I don't like a lot of the people and I don't like their nasty spoilt children that they had when they were in their mid-teens. Essex girl jokes could be localised to Romford girl jokes, because they would be even more accurate.

But which came first? Most Essex girl jokes, I think, can apply to blondes, except perhaps the top-lip jokes.

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Lionel Ritchie?
- Lionel Ritchie doesn't bleach his moustache.

Very true: I know people who bleach their top lips. But taking a quick squint at the Essex and blonde jokes I have, blonde jokes seem to be more about being stupid and an easy shag, but Essex girl jokes are more about NOT shagging:

What's the difference between an Essex Girl's fanny and a tube of glue?
- You might consider sniffing a tube of glue.

And for any Americans, fanny has a different meaning in this country.

But there are still the common local bike jokes from both:

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and The Titanic?
- Fewer people went down on the Titanic.

What do blondes do in the morning?
- Get up and go home.

Every year around mating season there is a rush for peroxide and in the following weeks the perry population at school increases 10-fold, meaning that the jokes can be doubled up. Having a perry blonde Essex girl increases the potential for amusement by us unpopular brunettes for each new one that walks into assembly in the morning.

Also, Essex girl jokes concentrate more on getting STD's, which isn't surprising because Romford has more clap than Friday Night at the London Palladium. For example:

What's the similarity between an Essex Girl and a carpenter?
- They both have a box of saws.

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a fish and chip shop?
- You can't get crabs in a fish and chip shop.

What do you give an Essex Girl before you start going out with her?
- A full medical.

... While there are blonde jokes to do with Porsches that just wouldn't work as Essex girl jokes.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
- She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

I don't think that's even right. Ah well.

The problem with Essex girl stupidity jokes is that last year something like 3 of the top 10 senior schools in the country were all girls schools in Essex, and jokes to the effect are not as good. But it seems to be easier to be blonde and stupid - you can't (and just WOULDN'T) become an Essex girl, but many people become blondes, which seems to boost the quota of thicko blondes. You're doing it to yourselves! For this reason, blonde stupidity jokes are more potent, often coupled with a sexual reference, and therefore perfectly formed blonde jokes.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
- Because it kept falling out.

Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
- She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
- She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

It's pretty obvious that Essex girl jokes are English and blonde jokes American, and are thankfully pretty versatile. They both work over here because we have both, with a horrible hybrid spreading. In America, though, they have so far escaped the reach of the East Saxon county, even though in Europe I think it must be second only to Amsterdam, if you know what I mean.

 
Sorry, long one with loads of spelling mistakes. If you find any, tell me. If you know what it was that Simon Rattle actually said, also tell me.

And now it stops.

Mocks are over.

School has finished for Christmas.

I don't have to revise.

I am calm.

I thought I'd better update this as I haven't for a while, so here I am. Just got back from seeing Lord of the Rings, and it was pretty good, but I don't remember much of it. I was conscious for most of it, but I just can't remember. Is that saying something about me, or the film?

Anyways, I thought I might mention something I heard Sir Simon Rattle say in an interview. He is a sir, isn't he? He was talking about arts funding in this country, saying that Munich spends more on the arts than the whole of Britain. Then he said about how there were orchestras in the concentration camps, and to roughly quote him, "Does it take something so beautiful as the arts to make us see something so awful?"

I love the arts. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can hardly play my viola, I couldn't act my way out of a paper bag and my drawing wouldn't even qualify as bad graffiti. I don't even try to write poetry because I feel it would be greatly insulting to those who can, and I'm not to be trusted with a camera. Mind you, that's only because I take pictures of people when they're asleep to annoy and bribe them. Fun fun fun! But I do try, and I usually have something vaguely intelligent or educated to say about art, and even when it is crap I like to be able to say why I think that.

Does it take something like art to make us see the horrors in this world? Television can count as involved in the arts, and the most horrifying images of 2001 were broadcast live across the world on the 11th September. But that was breaking news that had to be covered, and was seen by journalists who had flocked there in the wake of the disaster.

A more potent example is First World War poetry. There are two main types: the poems written before the soldiers arrived ('Remember that corner called England' or however it went), which are very patriotic and king-and-country, and the ones written by soldiers in the trenches - Seigfried Sassoon, need I say more? These wonderfully constructed poems tell of the absolute horror and suffering of conscripts in muddy ditches in France. The line that I think has touched me most in all the war poetry I have read was one by Rudyard Kipling. His son wore glasses and of course, failed the eye test. Being a famous writer, he pulled some strings and got him signed up. Not long after, his son was killed. "If they should ask why they died,/ Tell them, because their fathers lied."

I don't know any music that tells of something horrible or terrifying, but it must exist. I know there's an enormous painting in a Paris gallery that depicts a shipwreck, we studied it in year 9. I think it starts with a 'G', and it is basically a painting of a shipwrecked crew floating near-hopelessly on a raft or piece of wood, and the horror and pain in their eyes... you can see the hopelessness of these men as they cling to their dying crewmates, and stare longingly at the meat on the dead ones. It is based on a real wreck, and only about 14 people survived.

Nasty.

I don't know if it is art that makes us see these things when we otherwise wouldn't, or if it's because it is accessible enough for a wider audience to see, but it does bring thing to the world more than numbers and statistics ever could. With many things I doubt we will ever see the true horror in them if we weren't there, but maybe art makes us appreciate it more than we otherwise might.

 
And I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to hear I just got my advent calendar! Only a few days late. It's the Tweenies!

 
This was written on Wednesday, by the way.

Mmm, listening to Loudon Wainwright III, it'll be Rufus next. I love that man.

Anyway! Sorry I haven't updated this one or Thing for a few days... a few weeks, it's been revision revision revision. Mocks - need I say more?

Eek I SO haven't done enough revision, but you need to have been taught the stuff first right? Well, on the maths paper today, I'm pretty sure I've never seen a good 20% of it before, or I have and glossed over it because it wasn't on the revision list which, may I add, we were only given last week.

I'm going to keep this one short and clip it, with only a few more bits.

1. Superbus - they rock. Listen, misunderstand, and enjoy. And don't complain that they're French. No one ever complained that Rammstein are German.
2. The meanings within meanings of Hallelujah. Consider this and bring your observations to class next week.
3. I should be revising now. I have the music exam tomorrow, and after fluffing stats and IT, I think I'm going to actually revise or else lose the last ounce of credibility I have at orchestra.
4. Never, ever, EVER agree to do three Christmas concerts in 5 days. Last night was the last one, after doing school last Thursday and Magda's on Saturday. I'm still feeling pooped.
5. I might join a travelling freak show with my 3-D skin text. I wowed people at the concert last night by being allergic to myself. I knew I was weird all along, but now I have people who have seen. But I could have used a better word: I wrote 'Hel'. Should have done 'Blob' or 'Raa' or something.
6. And finally, my right hand went dark purple today in the maths exam because the heating was too low and my blood couldn't circulate properly. Have they never heard of warmth? I know they're all machines and stuff, but come on!