This was last Friday, my computer is dead again.
I feel fulfilled: today I bought 2 packs of candy sticks.
But anyway. This week I've been thinking more about what I want to do yada yada yada. Should I stay or should I go? If I stay, will there be trouble? I'll stop while I'm ahead.
So this week I had my interview with the almighty Mrs. Philips. I went in, I sat down, she said that she would be 'very disappointed' if I left them for another 6th form. Should I be scared by this? Well, I'm not. But I do have reasons for wanting to go.
I have this... thing I guess you would call it. I wake up one morning, knowing that I cannot go on doing something. I woke up once in year 6 and knew I couldn't keep doing their god-awful tests, but because I had to keep on, I went slowly mad. I often do this much less seriously with breakfast cereals, I will wake up unable to eat it that morning. It isn't so much a forbidding feeling as a sense of impending doom; and that is the feeling I'm getting at FB.
The way I described it to Helen was as if I was stuck in a rutt 6' deep, 6' long and about 3' wide with someone standing over me proclaiming "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" throwing soil at me. I need out. Soon.
It is not that I have no friends there, I have loads of friends. After the recent watershed I feel much more comfortable with them, talking about things I knew that the others could never understand. I do not want to lose these friends, but I trapped in a box by what is expected of me from the others around me.
They say that we will have a 'clean slate' if we stay on, but that is in inverted commas not because it is a quote but because I don't quite believe it. Background briefing (and I mean brief): Jenn wanted to drop chemistry, the powers that be said no. She got annoyed, then annoyed the lot of them by being right. Helen's slate was clean except for 'Jennifer' half scratched out in the top corner. There is no clean slate when people have expectations of you. Even now I am expected to do things and do them well. I am expected to do all this without getting stressed.
Screw that.
But why I feel I really need to get out? That newspaper thing. They stuck me in that newspaper to (and I quote from my planner), "publicly acknowledge [my] achievements with pride." I have no recollecion of being asked if this was all right with me, and it most certainly wasn't. I didn't want to be in that newspaper. I have to get out before I start hating them like I hate Crownfields.
I want to please my parents. I need to please my parents. It is almost my duty, and I love them so much. They have to be happy or I feel I have failed. My mum was so proud when I was in the paper that I almost didn't care how much I resented them for doing it. She bought about 10 copies and sent cut-outs to relatives. My dad has a folded-up copy in his wallet that he shows his friends from time to time.
But this is not what I really want. What I want... is not this. I haven't the foggiest what I want, and I will only know I have made the wrong choice after it has been made. I will never know if I made the right choice, there probably isn't one. I just do not want to stay on.
I do want to take English Language, however, but at this rate I will be kicked off the course: I've started about 5 sentences with conjunctions. Not a crime, but still vaguely criminal!
