Argh! Shite week at school! But enough about that later, I have meaningful things to bore you with!
So this week at school I heard someone say that the day she got married would be the saddest day of her life. There is background to this comment but it's not that that I want to talk about. It is why we do these things to ourselves when we know they will hurt us, why we make ourselves suffer in the eyes of others needlessly. We've all done it, I know I have. But why?
Attention seeking is one reason. As the youngest I naturally fought for attention. I don't
think I ever threw myself down the stairs or anything as serious as that, but I did enjoy it when I got my sibs in trouble and I was fawned over. It's natural. But later in life I would put myself under unnessecary stress so people would feel sorry for me but I would still do well. That way I got both ends of the stick plus the bit in the middle.
But was there any point? Yes, people paid attention to me, but then yes, my hair began to fall out. Was it worth it? No. Does anyone care now? No. Do I even care? Not particularly, no. But why do we put ourselves up to be knocked down by our own conscience? Do we seek that security we get from others' insecurity? Why would this girl even ponder getting married if it will leave her in torment? And so it goes on. I'm not here to question other people's ethics and plans for life, but does it come down to the aforementioned insecurity?
So many questions!
Perhaps this is a case of regret. She will regret getting married as I regret stressing myself out. There are many things I regret and that is now one of my look-before-leaping things: 'will I regret this?' Often the answer is yes, so I just don't do it. This philosophy then makes me ask, "But where is the fun in that?!" No regrets? You always did what was right? How boring that could get! Some regrets are bigger than others; never turning down Coopers is a regret of mine, but it had no real life changing effect. I was going to turn them down anyhow, It would only have given me something to boast about, and that could be worse. But what I really really regret is something like not saying sorry sooner to Laura. Condensed, we basically excluded her from the group for a silly reason and though I never genuinely hated her, I sheeped with everyone else as not to make myself an outcast from the rest of the group.
That I regret. I don't know whether she trusts me properly anymore, and though she says she does I will never be able to quite believe her after how I acted towards her.
So what can I conclude from this waffle? That I completely veered from the subject, that's one thing. But I think it ended with a valid point (albeit a quite unrelated one), so that's something.
Chew on it, it might never happen.
